New Year's Resolutions

(Originally published January 2002)

Nothing is more offensively lame than lists of "New Year's Resolutions." So, naturally, Hanes will now share his own resolutions for the coming year. Of course, some are new, some are recycled, some involve small farm animals.

In 2002 Hanes solemnly resolves to...

Only use his credit card rather than cash to purchase wine in an "emergency." Emergency defined as Hanes is in a wine store and he sees a bottle he wants to buy.

Continue to bust on people who take the quick road to sophistication by putting down any wines with so much as a whiff of oak in them. Give Hanes a break, while aging wine in oak barrels can most certainly be overdone so too can complaining about the presence of oak.

Finally break down and try more South African wines and figure out how far quality has or has not improved.

Convince his friends that $20 is a perfectly fine amount to spend on an everyday wine.

Bribe New York politicians to allow reciprocal direct shipping to the state from other wine producing states, now currently illegal.

Decant more young white wines to maximize their ability to shine.

Find more restaurants in NYC with acceptable corkage fees.

Cut down on explicitly mocking the French and Italian languages.

Personally undergo reverse osmosis.

Find a convincing reason -- any reason -- to drink some more Long Island wines.

Beat out Bo Jackson's all-time record for "most references to self in the third person."

Memorize how to explain malolactic fermentation to someone else.

Buy some swank Riedel glasses with those funky curled lips for drinking Riesling wines.

Drink a wine from Uruguay.

Try to leave room in Hanes's refrigerator for something besides wine.

Finally supplant Robert Parker, Jr. as the preeminent wine critic in the world.

Try to not write tasting notes at least once all year while out at dinner with friends or on a date.

Live to see the majority of restaurants charge less than a 300% markup on bottles of wine.

Spend another year listening to people drone on and on about food/wine pairings when all Hanes wants to do is get drunk.

Find a way to cellar and age more white Burgundy wines.

Be removed forcibly from no more than three distributor tastings.

Learn to nod knowingly while tasting a barrel sample.

Make a million bucks by taking all the excess grapes now being grown in Australia and making "White Shiraz" out of it for consumption in the U.S. market.

Make more fun of people who discuss tasting notes from the second, third or fourth days the bottle has been open.

Personally redo the official 1855 classification of the red wines of Bordeaux according to prettiest label.

Watch the New York Yankees win the World Series (had to sneak that in there).

Only attend wine dinners with wine geek buddies if there are eight people or less in attendance.

Stop talking about wines like red Austrian or red Loire Valley wines and start drinking them in greater quantities.

Sip a Sherry wine without singing "Sherrie, Sherrie baby..." in Hanes's head.

Actually spit the wine out at least once when at a large trade tasting.

Finally attempt to greatly expand the distribution of The Hanes Wine Review.

Convince those scientists that it isn't two glasses of red wine per day that provide lifespan extending health benefits, it's a full bottle.

Cut down on swirling non-wine beverages in Hanes's glass and stop gargling them in his mouth.

Pepper tasting notes with Britishisms such as "splendid," "quite fine," or "remarkable."

Outlive the Port aging in Hanes's cellar.

Spend more time exploring wine/music pairings, like which wine goes best with Art Blakey? The Butthole Surfers? Lefty Frizzell? The Mekons? Tito Rodriguez? Lionel Hampton? The Clash? The Cars? Martin Denny?

Figure out exactly what "brett" tastes like.

Find more vivid descriptors for the color of wines.

Stop beating up people who drink Beaujolais.

Marry rich.